Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mr. Shit

Mr. Shit saunters around the neighborhood thinking he owns it. He is mad because a brown man stole his handicap signs (I stole them). He had a big fat ass and no clue before he had a heart attack, that will set you right, you bastard. He's watched me arrive at 3 a.m. and fall out of my car, urinating and walking backwards. I moved back from L.A. and he was walking through the neighborhood as if he was welcoming me back to hell.

I come home in the middle of the night and the cocksucker is outside, waving like an idiot. He waves hello and acts like he cares, his name is Bob Shit. Fuck his name. With his duck lips and flaccid demeanor he controls nothing but his tiny dogs. In actuality he controls only their bathroom breaks, they control his schedule.

His wife, bless her heart, has to look at that bulbous rear end and soft serve ice cream shape while she sews socks for the children they never had. What dark and weird secrets does Bob Shit have hiding in his sweaty closet of shame and embarrassment? He forms bonds with polocks and the elderly skeleton neighbors. Is he trying to exert control over them? NO! They control him with their incessant bullshitting, they know he has nothing to do. He wakes up and finds furniture that someone (me) has drunkenly bestowed upon his lawn. It was a gift!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Okocim makes me observant.

Please learn how to spell and use grammar. Should HAVE. Shouldn't HAVE. Your crew is terrible. You have awful tattoos. You have no personality and make me angry. Please graduate from any high school or decide to get your adult GED.

Tech school and culinary school are not options. Learn how to read and write and LIFE WILL BE ALRIGHT. Money does not dictate your ability to have fun, neither does alcohol. I love booze a whole bunch, but goddamn, just knock it off.

You don't drink more than anyone else. You don't smoke more weed than anyone else. You are uneducated and everyone can tell. Please, PLEASE. STOP.

I cannot stand the lack of education that is standard these days. I am young, I realize this. You can snag an education out of books from the library or anywhere. READ BOOKS. ASK QUESTIONS. BE OBJECTIONABLE.

I hope the next generation isn't such a useless mess. This generation is the gap generation. WE are all cocaine addicts who are overstimulated and half as educated. The 80's generation had all the coke and weed without the lack of education. This generation has entered a state of stagnant-cocksuckery. It needs to end.

Actually. It can't end. I would have nothing to bitch about. Fuck this generation. I intend to be a trendsetter and dance-improver. I HATE YOU. Especially if you fall into my age/tax bracket and don't have any worldly knowledge. I'm not talking about hipster knowledge either. I hate your tight pants, ironic glasses, or your Jack Kerouac novel. I even hate your love of records and your inability to type sentences while updating your Facebook status'.

I probably should just shoot myself with a time-bullet (that which I have just invented), so that I could end up back in the 1970's to let my parents and every one of your parents know, to NOT breed. Don't bother giving life to another child that will end up useless and somehow cynical, when NOTHING has affected their life other than finally being weened off of mama's tit. GET REAL.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Nickelback is bad for your brain.

I have created a small list (13) of bands that should automatically stop their tour-buses and give up music forever.

Here they are in no particular order of hatred:
1. Nickelback
2. Trapt
3. Seether
4. Breaking Benjamin
5. 3 Doors Down (and many other bands with numbers in their name).
6. Nickelback
7. Def Leppard
8. Green Day (should have probably given up after Dookie).
9. Nickelback
10. Creed
11. Poison
12. Korn
13. Slipknot

Nickelback is most certainly the least talented of these bands, with number's two through 6 coming in close behind. I have never turned on the radio and said, "wow these bands really have their shit together." Normally I turn on the radio and wretch in horror as these bands accumulate gigantic wealth and power due to the overzealous engineers creating the music and having little monkey-bitch studio musicians play the parts.

All of these bands can suck it, but Nickelback...they truly make me sick to my stomach.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

T-mobile creates waste.

I have been a t-mobile user for some time now and I can't fucking stand their customer service. Wasteful employees in remote locations like New Mexico trying to help customers that have their shit together. I called today to get my phone bill resolved and find out how many minutes I have been using so I can lower my rates and whatnot.

Lo and behold they tell me I am not authorized to ask them about how many minutes I've been using because I am not the account holder, EVEN THOUGH I gave them the account holders name AND social security number.

Why do these people even have jobs?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why the fuck would you call stairs FIRE EXITS?

I understand the convenience of having an elevator, I swear. But why in the world do you need to call the stairwell a fire exit? It's not. It's a fucking stairwell. Stairs were there before shitty elevators came in and ruined everything for everyone. Maybe the fat folks got the better end of the stick, but I digress.

Stairs are stairs. They don't become a fire exit out of nowhere, they aren't transformers. They are a rise and run type of equation; you go up and forward. No more no less, fuck you.